What to do about THAT complaint

Dec 18 / Ian Higginbottom

Ever notice yourself repeating the same complaint, over and over again?

As leaders, we inevitably face circumstances that do not turn out as we would like.  Sometimes we get disappointed and sometimes we get resentful.  We can
be particularly challenged when it appears the situation is unfair or underserved and someone else is the cause of the problem.  It can be plain scary to even think about sitting down with the other person to resolve the issue.  Instead, we complain to other people and then usually fail to notice that we have got stuck with our complaint.


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When it is our colleagues who are complaining, it is often easier to observe the situations and the impact of not dealing with them.

Who has not noticed a friend or colleague suffering because they are stuck in a complaint about what someone did or didn't do, or something that happened or did not happen?

Our challenge is to notice when it is ourselves
that are stuck in complaint.

I can vividly recall when I noticed I was trapped in complaint about my friend and business partner, Ralph (not his real name), and how resolving that one complaint transformed my life.


At the time I had recently completed a group coaching program and had learned the concept of a behavioural pattern some call a ‘racket’, and a technique for resolving it. 


A racket  is a behaviour pattern with four elements:

1.  A complaint that has persisted for some time
2.  A pattern of behaviour that goes along with the complaint
3.  A payoff for having the complaint continue, and
4.  A cost to the person of maintaining the behaviour

(Source:  Zaffron, S. & Logan, D., The Three Laws of Performance, 
Jossey-Bass, 2009, p. 45)

So, I am pacing around my house, angry and frustrated as I think about the argument I had just had with Ralph.
I am saying to myself, “he’s just so selfish, he just has to get his own way with everything”, when it dawns on me that
I have been making this complaint for years. 


Not only had I been thinking it, but I have also been complaining to any friends and colleagues who would listen.  I realised that Ralph and I had been arguing almost every time we were in a meeting together.  We had not just been disagreeing, we had been getting frustrated and angry.  I ‘knew’ our arguments were his fault because he was just so selfish.

My complaint about Ralph fitted the concept of a racket and I set out to resolve it.  

My complaint was obvious, “Ralph is selfish, he just has to get his own way with everything” and, given I had been making it for five years, it was persistent.  Identifying the payoff and cost was much more difficult because I was sure I got no benefit from having the complaint.  After some uncomfortable introspection,
it dawned on me how much I resented my friend’s ability to stand for his opinion in a way I could not for my own.  My payoff, it seemed, was avoiding my fear of disapproval, and blaming him rather than taking any responsibility for my part
in the arguments.  I was shocked.  In the same moment, the cost also dawned
on me.  I was living in a background mood of resentment, I had lost a friendship, and I was causing distress and conflict for others in our business meetings.

My coach asked me, “who would you need to be as a leader, to resolve the situation?" My answer was that I would need to be someone who was straight with people and who did not avoid disapproval.”  

I chose to be straight and to call Ralph to share what I had seen about myself.  I made the call.  I apologised for my behaviour.  I also shared that I was committed to being straight with him, committed to our friendship and committed to having productive business meetings. 

During the conversation, the tension between us reduced from an eight to a two out of ten.  We relaxed and had a rich conversation.  A couple of weeks later a new and contentious financial issue arose.  This time I was straight about what I wanted and listened to what he wanted.  I was thrilled when we negotiated a solution that worked for both of us.

A few weeks later again, I was sitting on the beach at the end of a few days’ holiday with Ralph and his family when I had a positive but shocking realisation. If, after five years of complaint, I could resolve my resentment with Ralph, I could resolve all the ongoing complaints and resentments in my life!

It is easy to see the cause of our complaints as being circumstances and people that are out of our control.  Moods of resentment (about the issue), resignation (that there is nothing that can be done) and anxiety (even if something could be done, the required conversations are too hard) get in the way of resolution.
Yet on the other side of dealing with these complaints is the possibility of living
a richer and more fulfilling life that includes effectively leading our teams to produce outstanding results, without undue stress.

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The Challenge:

What persistent complaints do you have at work and at home?

Are you ready to resolve them? What help, if any, do you need?

If you resolved them, what would that make possible for you, your team and for taking care of what you care about most?

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