Understanding and Navigating Family Dynamics During the Holidays

Nov 13 / Jenn Bedlington
What drives people to turn into turkeys at family gatherings? 

Have you ever wondered what pushes people to behave badly at family gatherings?
 
We’re coming up to Thanksgiving and Christmas - and doesn’t it seem to be earlier every year? 

For some of us, that means we’re not only thinking about the menu, but also about what unpleasantness will cut the joy this year.

Even though we know someone well, it can be hard to fathom what drives their behaviour. But if we could, would it help us deal with it? 

What might be driving your family member to be a turkey? If you can work that out, you can do something to address it. 

Strong beliefs 

Some family members just don’t get on. They don’t agree on stuff, and they’re different types of people. Others have very strong opinions and want to get others to agree.

When we feel misunderstood, judged, or not listened to, we can either withdraw, or aggressively try and win the argument.

Even so, to deal with these personality clashes, it can help if we are respectful, curious and empathetic. A genuine interest in the other’s point of view can make all the difference, even if you have to agree to disagree. 

Festering wounds 

Somewhere in the past in many families, there is an old grudge, resentment or wound. Getting together can re-open feelings of anger, sadness, jealousy or guilt. These strong feelings have a way of getting away from us and turn into criticism and blame.

To help, try a focus right now on the joy of the occasion, and a resolve to address the issue before the next gathering.

Everything’s got to be perfect 

Unreasonable expectations about everything being perfect can lead to disappointment and frustration when it doesn’t happen. Others may be blamed. Stress levels rise. Keep things simpler and be grateful for the good bits. 

It’s not fair! 

In every group, including families, there are people who contribute a lot, and those who duck their fair share, whether it’s organising, or contributing, or putting themselves out to make sure everyone has a good time.

Some can let it go as just human nature. Others make themselves the martyr, with passive aggression telling everyone how much they do. And other make a big thing of it and pick a fight.

Some open discussion before the event with fair allocations can make this trigger less likely. 

Too much social lubricant 

Too much alcohol can result in people saying and doing things that they regret later. It’s no excuse, of course, for bad behaviour, but make it easier for people to manage their intake by having low or no alcohol alternatives. 

I’m bored 

Let’s face it, family gatherings can be tedious if there’s been no planning to cater for different generations and interests. Boredom can be alleviated through reaching out to have a meaningful conversation with someone, by creative activities and bringing humour into the equation.

 For example, the whole group could play Would you rather? Everyone of every age can play this game. This involves One person asking a question of another person that gives two options, usually something horrible or ridiculous. One such question could be “Which would you rather eat – a worm or a spider?”. The person who answers has to answer honestly and give reasons. They then ask a new question to the next person in the group. The more ridiculous the options, the more hilarity! 

And there’s the Grinch! 

You know them – the person who hates everything, especially celebrations. It seems the only thing that makes them happy is for them to tell everyone how unhappy they are to be there. Try checking in with them beforehand about what they’d like to do on the day. Surely there’s something they enjoy – even if it’s off sitting by themselves reading. Help them find it! 

With some planning and approaches to take on the day, you can make sure the only turkey is the one on the table!

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